Communication Dilemma in Nigerian Romantic Relationships By Peter Sabastine Zahu
When it comes to the issue of communication in a typical Nigerian relationship, there is always an imbalance, a product of a lot of assumptions that have passed for doctrines of late.
At first, it might seem like a principle borrowed from economics, division of labour, but in reality, it’s the irresponsibility of one partner being laid back and allowing the other, the man, carry all the weight.
The Thesis
When a man gets into a relationship, an intimate one, with a woman, it is practically assumed that he is in-charge of all forms of communication. He is expected to do the calling; sending of messages across; and also do the checking up on her. A duty bestowed on him without his proper consent, but who cares, he is the man.
You see, this is the basis of argument of the female gender; a question of why the man cannot maintain the energy he started out with. Talking stage as it is been referred to nowadays concerns the duration of time a man uses to swoon a woman to his side. It involves his persistence of will to sway her, the endless calls/messages, and the commitment to her welfare. All these are done with the sincere hope to make himself appealing/suitable to her. It was referred to as ‘toasting’ a while back, like when you have bread in a toaster – you take conscious effort to not let the bread burn.
So, why can’t a man keep up the energy? We must first try to understand a colloquial saying that goes by, “A man is attracted by what he sees, but it is the intangibles that keeps the man”.
The Anti-Thesis
It is widely believed that a woman gets attracted (or swayed) by what she ‘hears’, I think that was in the past. Women are now attracted by what they see as well: the status of a man, the respect he commands, his physique, influence, or whatever she might be interested in. A woman is now attracted by what she sees. Eventually, the intangibles are the deciding factor if she stays or not – cliché.
The Guinness World Record (GWR) puts the Bible as the best-selling book of all time. The Bible is also considered as the most distributed book of all time. To borrow part of its portion, Amos 3:3, it said, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?”. This puts new truths into our perspective.
You and I agree that the man saw the lady and did all he could to sway her. Right?
You’ll also agree that until he has satisfied and checked all her (supposed) boxes, no relationship could begin. Right? Except if you want to be partial and favour her in your argument over the man.
If she did accept him, why then should ‘the burden of communication’ be solely placed on just his shoulders? I thought relationships in all aspect, communication as well, is supposed to be a two-way street were both partners try to meet each other half way through.
This begs the question, ‘Why then do women not initiate communication?’
Why a woman shies away from initiating communication
Let us now look at five possible fears Nigerian women have when it involves communication. Why they tend to abstain and allow their partners do all the work with regards to communication.
This does not exhaust the entire list of reason, nothing close to it. Nonetheless, these reasons tend to top all others.
First, allow me say in a Nigerian parlance that, ‘the fear of see finish is the beginning of wisdom.’ That will loosely be translated as ‘the fear of being taken for granted’, which comes first as one of the reasons why women shy away from initiating communication. She feels like, when she does the calling, the checking in/up on you, that when she partakes in sharing the duties of communication with you, that there is a tendency that her sincere act will be misunderstood. That you will allow such simple act get into your head, thence, it will result in you not actually valuing her. Take it as a precious stone who appears on the surface saving you the toil of actually digging for it, well, this stone feels you will take it for granted. Ans this leads us to her second reason.
The fear of ‘her gesture not being reciprocated’.
Next to being taken for granted, the fear of you not reciprocating comes next on her list. Now she feels that when she tries to meet you half-way, you would end up taking up a relax and dormant role and allow her do all.
Next, she will try to justify her not communicating as a way of testing you to see ‘how far you are willing to go for her’. You see, women are infatuated with the idea of ‘being chased’ so much that it blinds them of some of the little things that they are supposed to do in order to boost the morale of the man to keep on chasing. They want to be chased but neglect their own role in facilitating such and still wonder why a man suddenly becomes disinterested in them all of a sudden.
The three above are tied to her next fear. Her ‘experiences form all her previous relationships’. She keeps on judging James for the sins of John, a typical case of robbing Peter to pay Paul, only this time, the wrong party is paying the price. Fair to want to play it safe, but there is only so much a man can endure, knowing fully well that he is actually being judge using another man as a template, before he calls it quits.
At this point, she has gone through all four fears. This leads us to the last. The fear that ‘the man has moved on to the next woman’. So, she refused to meet the man half-way through, the man has gotten to the point were he just cannot seem to bear it anymore so he deicides to see if, for once, she will actually reach out. She on the other hand does not. She is there thinking that the man’s silence is because he has found another woman so she just lets things be. She remains silent. She lets everything go cold. She just remains in her space unbothered.
Conclusion
Allow me emphasis that the relationship considered here is a healthy one. A relationship where both parties, though they do not know what comes next, nonetheless, they both strive to make things work.
Some partners ignore all forms of red flags all in a bid to just stay in a relationship. You got attracted by what you saw, agreed to be in a relationship and gradually you begin to lose bits and pieces of yourself. You ignore all the warnings that makes the relationship unhealthy and toxic, you decided to stay for the sake of the benefits, the influence/affluence, the status, or the soft life that the relationship comes with. This is not the kind of relationship I hope to describe, not even close.
In a parallel universe, you got attracted by what you saw, agreed to be in a relationship and gradually you begin to notice that he is not a finished product yet – but you are willing to commit. He disappoints you at times but at a level you can bear, he makes conscious efforts to be the man you deserve, putting his right foot forward, moving daily, one foot in front of the other.
This is not a case for those who actively seek out ways to take advantage of their partner. No. This is to the trying ones, that through all life worries they still try to make things work but for some reasons his partner is bent of making a mockery of their efforts as a result society’s expectations of a man in a relationship which is false in the face of reality.
About the Author
Peter Sabastine Zahu is a teacher, writer, and public speaker with a passion for history, books and human behaviour.
Currently, a Mathematics undergraduate at Ahmadu Bello University Zaria with a strong inclination towards modelling and analytical frameworks.
Beyond this, I have interests in data analytics, storytelling, and general conversation that helps young people change their narrative.
“Communication Dilemma in Nigerian Romantic Relationships” By Sabastine Peter Zahu is a Guest Post on PositiveNaija.
