Recently updated on August 30th, 2022 at 01:09 am
The PositiveNaija Interviews “Advice of Nigerian Mothers” is a series of interviews with remarkable Nigerian mothers on sharing their motherhood experiences towards understanding and celebrating the crucial role of mothers in raising/training children, building families and uplifting societies.
This series conceived and conducted by Toju Micheal Ogbe is dedicated to Itohan Hephzibah Deborah Igbe and every mother.
“A woman was made to give life.”
– Myles Munroe
Interview of Ms. Esther Oladayo who shares her experiences, thoughts and insights as a mother with PositiveNaija (Toju M. Ogbe) on April 21, 2022
Interviewer (Toju): Please Ma, what is your name, how old are you and where are you from?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: My name is Esther Oladayo, I am from Ilesha, Osun state and I am in my forties.
Interviewer (Toju): As regards work, what are your interests, passion or pursuits?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: Finance and controls manager.
Interviewer (Toju): You are a mother of how many children?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: Three children (three males – David, Samuel and Justin)
Interviewer (Toju): What are the most delightful things about your children (individually)? Or choose three words that describes each of them.
Ms. Esther Oladayo: First, they love God – they are actively involved in church activities. David especially, whenever he has challenges, he tells me he has prayed about it, which makes me happy. Secondly, they are people oriented which means that they love and value people. Thirdly, they are young but they are good thinkers, knowledgeable/wise.
Interviewer (Toju): Effective mothering is a matter of values. What values do you prioritize for your children?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: First, for them to honor God.
Second, knowing what is the right thing to do – and doing the right thing regardless of if it is accepted or not.
Third, hard work (not putting money first).
Interviewer (Toju): ‘There is no place like home’. What peculiar strategies have you used in promoting excitement, joy and lasting memories as well as managing conflicts/disagreements for your children?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: For the first part of the question, sometimes I take them out – like today, we are going out for dinner. I also allow them to express their creativity – for example, Samuel likes to bake and I allow him to. I also let them (together with them) play games and I am also looking at how we can do more of outdoor games. I listen to them – we dialogue, we talk and I hear them out. We also go for holidays, etc.
Importantly, I am also considerate of their state of mind in certain circumstances/instances.
For the second part of the question, I talk to them – make them see reasons why things should not be done in a certain way. I try to encourage respect and discourage rivalry between them. I also say it to them that I love them equally – no favorite as I do not take sides.
I reward them for good behavior and equally do not reward bad behavior.
Interviewer (Toju): Friends, television and music; all increasingly influence children today. How do you check these influences on your children?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: I practically would say I choose their friends. I am a believer and I believe in covenant friends and I pray “Lord give my kids genuine friends.” We also go visiting their friends together.
On TV/music well for now we do not have a TV. Although, we plan on getting a cable TV but it is primarily for christian messages, cartoons and programs for kids. They do not listen to anyhow music.
Although their school work is largely online, still I minimize their online activities. Even I myself because of this and also enforcing this, had to adjust to this minimal/limited online activities.
Interviewer (Toju): In particular, how would you say you made your children to be of a healthy self-esteem – in other words, how they value themselves and their goals, as well as build their self-confidence?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: First of all, I think kids study/learn by example. So, I try to make them see that they are unique and we are all endowed with unique gifts and virtues as God has blessed us with.
As I said earlier, the focus is on God; purpose – and this defines who you are and why am I here. In John 10:10, Jesus said “my purpose is to give them (us) a rich and satisfying life”. So, in the same vein, I tell my children that they must not do what others are doing – I tell them to do what is right, avoid peer-pressure as ‘iron sharpeneth iron’.
Also, in understanding their uniqueness, I also tell them that everything parents need to train a child are in the parents. So, they must trust me as their parent.
Interviewer (Toju): What are your preferred methods of correcting your children?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: Well, it depends. I realised that the way you deal with teenagers and toddlers are different but when I know that something is not right, I take action. Sometimes, it could take them time on certain activities such as switching off the lights, dressing their beds, etc. and no abusive words – immediately correcting these things.
My son David, I try not to beat him as much as before but yet I use other methods (of discipline) such as depriving him of other things that might be important or interesting to him until he or they listen to me.
So, different disciplinary measures/approach for different stages.
Interviewer (Toju): How important are fathers in the upbringing and development of children?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: Well, I will use my own upbringing because my late husband passed on just about four (4) years of us being married.
To start, the way men and women think are different. So this is why both parents are important for balance. There is an aspect of a man that should be in a child and there is an aspect of a woman that should be in a child.
It is also good for the children to be surrounded by good role models especially a good christian environment, which has been helpful.
I would always say that God has been faithful to us.
Interviewer (Toju): What are these aspects of a man that should be in a child?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: How to behave responsibly as a male even for the basics such as urinating properly, being well kept, dressing well/being presentable, and excellence.
Interviewer (Toju): Have you had experiences in which you it seemed that your role as a mother was uninteresting, insignificant and even degrading/shameful (perhaps like your talents/gifts were underutilised/wasted)? How did you cope?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: No, none. We are always together.
Interviewer (Toju): What is your opinion or preference between stay-at-home mothering and working mothering?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: In my own case, when my late husband died, I would not know. So, I encourage women to also get something going but it depends – various situations require wisdom and prayers – enquiring also from God what one should do per time especially relating to families.
Interviewer (Toju): What is your opinion on having house helps/nannies to assist in the home and child-raising?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: We need help actually but we have to be on top of the game. The house helps should not take our place as parents or our house. We should be in charge. And ensure that your kids are free to tell you things.
Interviewer (Toju): What is your opinion or preference between boarding schools and day-to-day schools?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: I prefer day-to-day schools.
I want to be in the lives of my kids. I want to talk with them especially if they need encouragement when they are going through things.
Also, I appreciate/prefer myself instilling values/training them by God’s grace.
However, it also depends as boarding also is good but the most important thing is that knowing where God wants your kids to be so that they do not miss their destiny/ unique developments.
Interviewer (Toju): Mothering has never been an easy or simple task. Every generation of mothers face a unique set of challenges. What do you consider the challenges of your time as a mother?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: The shrinking of or lack of a proper, relatable and caring/supportive community of a family unit with people being more increasingly busy. It was not like this before where we had the presence of grandmas, aunties, cousins, etc. coming together on various family activities such as the birth o a child in the family, naming ceremonies, birthdays, weddings, etc.
Secondly, being a career woman and at the same time a mother, is not easy. For example, after work, I go pick up my kids as I want to be aware of their welfare, get to communicate with them – not leaving my kids alone to themselves. And especially with single mothers too, this is not easy where you do all by yourself – go to the mechanic, getting fuel particularly the struggle if there are queues, etc.
Interviewer (Toju): What are your greatest wishes, prayers, dreams aspirations for your children? And how do you know these are the right ones?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: First of all, I want them to know God – early. When they know God and allow Him to lead them – not living their lives by chances, then I know it is well with them. In other words, for them to be at the centre of God’s purpose (for them).
I know these are the right ones because I have seen lots of people who started early with God including myself as well as notable church leaders. Furthermore, Samuel in the Bible, Jesus Christ, etc. these are evidences that when you have God, you are spiritual, excellent and successful.
Interviewer (Toju): What are the things only God can do in your children’s lives? In other words, are there things beyond your control or power?
Ms. Esther Oladayo:Well, I would say there is nothing that is more than God and if there is nothing more than God, then there is nothing more than me.
Interviewer (Toju): How did you cope with the need for attention between spouse and children?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: My late husband was a very family oriented person – there really was no issue because he was an understanding person and if I can say, I was/am also a considerate person.
Interviewer (Toju): Mothers are typically known for their relentless care, prayers/vigils/intercessions, support even when all appears to be well irrespective of the age of their children. Is this the case with you and what is the reason(s) for this?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: Yes. I think it is just natural with women and their kids. It is just there naturally that you want to see your child do well and biblically too, it is a set responsibility.
Even my mother, I believe she still prays for us all (her children).
Interviewer (Toju): How can mothers be women of positive influence on the society?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: The society comes from homes and with the society being made up from people and these people from homes, when we gather, we become a community. So a child/children should be trained and when we do this, it is like giving back to the community – as a solution not a problem. And this is where/how mothers can be of positive influence in the society – by ensuring that their child/children are well trained.
Interviewer (Toju): In light of your reflections, what is one decision you might make to be a better mother?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: I want to study the Word of God more, ask God for directions on every step I take concerning my kids. I cannot be wrong with God.
Interviewer (Toju): How can you describe motherhood?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: Motherhood is interesting, responsibility and discipline. Your kids are a reflection of you. This is because what you don’t have, you can’t give.
Motherhood is modeling – in the sense that kids learn from what they see.
Interviewer (Toju): Which persons are you grateful for in helping/influencing you towards being a better mother?
Ms. Esther Oladayo: One, my mother. When we were growing , my parents put us (her children) in the will of God.
Secondly, right from when I was young, I have always wanted good kids – obedient, love God – so in essence, my desire.
Third, the Bible/Word of God. A notable reference is Genesis 18:19 “For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.”
Interviewer (Toju): Thank you Ma for your time and sharing your unique experiences with us as well as with the world.
Ms. Esther Oladayo: You are welcome. Thank you.
*This interview was first conducted by Toju Micheal Ogbe on April 21, 2022 and was last updated on April 27, 2022.
Written/edited and poster designed by: Toju Micheal Ogbe.
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